Long Distance Life 2

I think I had a small victory last night.

So yesterday, around dinner time, I called my boyfriend to see what he was up to.

He was telling me how he’s getting ready for a party he’s having at his house, and then going out after.
I sat there, listening.

Trying to act like I was really happy for him, and glad he was having a night out.

Disclaimer: My boyfriend is in optometry school. So he spends about 90 percent of his time doing homework and studying and when he’s not doing that.. he’s probably writing an exam, or playing Halo (I fucking hate Halo). He works very hard, sometimes too hard, and I am so proud of him.

So, when he told me he was going out, the rational and non-confrontational part of my brain was telling me to be happy for him. That he finally gets a day to go out and enjoy himself and de-stress.

But

There was this overwhelming part of me that was hurting.
A part that wanted to be there, and was jealous that he was having fun without me.

A part of me that reminded me that this is his life now..

And I’m not apart of it.

I’m not there.

So many things could happen in one night that I would never know about.

And the thought of the love of my life, having a separate life without me… stung.

Like a bee sting.

Like a fucking wasp sting.

But, I told him to have fun.

And I told him to say goodnight before he went to bed.

He told me he loved me and hung up the phone.

I sat there, phone still to my ear, and lost it… balled, lost composure.

I didn’t want my mom and sister to see me crying like an idiot, so I left the room.

I cried for a while,

But then I wasn’t crying. 

And that was the small victory I was talking about.

Because at some point..

Amongst the hurt, and the jealously, and the complete yearning to just hold his hand for a second.

I stopped crying.

I cried for a  while.

But then I wasn’t crying.

What I’m trying to say..

Is that this shit is hard.

I give my undeniable respect to military wives and long distance lifers, because you guys are strong.

But for me, being separated from my best friend… hurts.

And it makes me cry.

But then I wasn’t crying.

And for me..

thats huge.