Am I the only one freaking out about making the wrong life decisions?
Am I the only one terrified that one small choice can just change the entire direction of my life, indefinitely?
When I was in school, it was so easy.
‘I still have 2 more years of school, I don’t need to have a life plan yet’
I still have one more year of school, I don’t need to have everything figured out yet’
‘I just finished school, I have a bit of time to figure out my life’
Well those utterances have come and GONE.
And now I’m sitting here, with this unbearable weight on my chest, constantly filled with fear that the choices I make will lead me to unhappiness.
I know I’m not happy right now- but what needs to happen in order to make me happy?
I HATE the idea of working 9 to 5 every day, but if let that go… will I eventually become unhappy attempting to search for the right life plan? While being completely broke at the same time?
Is there anyone else, who sits at their desk every day… wishing they were doing something that makes them happy?
But just not knowing what to do to get there?
My biggest struggle right now is the conventional plan.
My parents push for stability- and I don’t blame them.
‘Finish school… then get a full time job’
‘Get experience, make lots of money… get a better job’.
I get it. I do.
They want to see their kids succeed.
They don’t want to see their kinds unmotivated and broke.
I get it.
But I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something.
And it feels a lot like pressure.
I am 22.
Is this the only chance I am ever going to get to travel and experiment and just be?
But don’t you need money to travel? Don’t you need money to pay for a phone? Don’t you need money to pay for a car to get you around?
Is there a secret to this?
Is there someone who can tell me that there is a way to live life and not struggle at the same time?
That is the horcrux I need to find.
That is a piece of me I can’t seem to find.
I often experience FOMO- a life FOMO.
I know there are people out there who LOVE their life.
Who wake up every morning and do what they love to do.
and I wish they could lay out an algorithm or a plan… write it down on a piece of paper for me (in center alignment) and tell me the pivotal steps it takes to get there.
Because I am in constant fear that any choice I make- is going to alter any chance I have of happiness.
Remember in Deathly Hallows part 1, where Harry, Hermonie and Ron enter Bellatrix’s vault at Gringotts?
There was a spell on the vault.
Every time you touched something, it would duplicate, and then duplicate again. And the pile wouldn’t stop growing. And those items would touch other items, and those items would duplicate.
And everything would continue to duplicate until you are surrounded by so many items- that you can’t breathe.
There is no where to move, or run, or scream, or get out.
That is what I feel like.
I don’t know which items duplicate, and which items don’t.
I am worried that one wrong decision will created a series of wrong decisions leaving me in a room with nowhere to go, and nowhere to breathe.
Would leaving a 9 to 5 job be good for me?
Will this lead me to happiness?
Is the 9 to 5 where I need to be, will I find a 9 to 5 that makes me happy.
I understand that you get nowhere without making decisions, and I understand you have to make mistakes in order to grow.
But the pressure to make the wrong decisions is TERRIFYING.
Tell me you agree.
There are people out there who are happy and successful and are filled with love.
And I can’t help but not want to settle for less.
What is so special about them? What decisions did they make?
What am I doing wrong?
If they can be happy- I should have the same opportunity.
And here is another factor that often struggle with.
And this is for all the goodie two-shoes.
The straight edges.
The people pleasers
and the over achievers.
Do you consistently have the overwhelming need to listen to your parents?
I know this sounds so lame.
But if you fall into any of the above categories- you’ll understand what I’m saying.
Has your mom or your dad ever been your voice of reason, or your reality check?
Do you ever want to make a rash decision, and then your mom tells you it’s not a good idea?
And no matter how much of an adult you are- do you still listen to your parents?
Do what you’re told… because you feel like its just right?
That’s where I’m at.
I am getting a reality check from my parents (who are just looking out for me, I might add)
When I have dreams of traveling, or taking life slow, taking time to figure things out.
I get told I need a job.
A full time one.
One that will pay for my car, and my phone, and my trips to see Andy.
One that will pay for the days I want to go out, or the days I want new clothes.
A job that will give me experience to move up in life.
A job that will help me grow as a person and learn responsibility.
And even if I am really unhappy with my life.
It’s okay… because I am making money and getting experience.
I will be happy one day.
And it all makes sense.
And I understand all factors.
So I listen, and I obey.
And even if it makes me unhappy, and even if I really hate what I’m doing, and really want a way out…
I do it, and I listen.
Because they have always guided me.
And they would be so disappointed if I didn’t listen.
They would be so angry.
And I just can’t defy my parents.
I have never been able to.
Is there ANYONE ELSE who feels this way?
Am I the only one?
So riddle me this.
The happy people.
The ones I talked about before.
The ones who smile a lot, and love a lot.
And wake up happy every morning.
The ones who get dressed and can’t WAIT to go do what they love.
Who enjoy every minute of their job, or life because they are doing what they love.
And what they love gives them purpose.
Are they the rebels?
Are they the kids who never listened?
Are they the ones who made their own decisions no matter what anyone told them?
Are they the ones that stayed up past their bed time, and stole cookies from the cupboard?
Are they the ones that went right when everyone else was going left?
Did I figure out the algorithm? Is this the solution?
Do I just need to make my own choices and my own mistakes?
And pick myself up and learn?
I have no fucking idea.
And it’s left me in the middle.
It’s left me not happy, but not miserable.
I am in a vault.
…Surrounded by sparkling, gold, beautiful things.
I am surrounded by treasures.
But I am not touching anything.
Because I am so scared, that if I touch something… it will duplicate. And it will never stop duplicating …until I can no longer breathe.
Tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this.
Because as much I loved going to school, and I loved learning, and I loved experiencing.
NOTHING prepared me for this.
I find sometimes, life makes it hard for you to do what you love.
A bunch of things get in the way.
Or maybe… maybe I’m just making up excuses.
So… as of right now.
I’m still standing still. In a room filled with junk.
I wish the blog ended differently, I wish I could write about how I find my passion for life and I’m happier than ever.
Here I stand.
I’m still afraid to touch anything.
Maybe this is a normal feeling.
Maybe there are a bunch of people standing in vaults afraid to touch anything.
I hope so.
And maybe this blog lets you know you’re not alone.