Long Distance Life 3

Today was my first holiday without my boyfriend.

Before he moved away, the first thing I said was that holiday’s were going to be the worst.

Well, I can tell you from experience that I was pretty accurate.

I think holiday’s are kryptonite for ldr’s.

You’re surrounded by families, and loved ones, and all you want is to be sharing everything with your most loved one.

For me, the hardest was seeing all my cousins with all their boyfriends.

Hugging them, kissing them, getting them food, getting to know the family…. time being well spent with my family.

Tim being spent where my boyfriend should be.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to be miserable… that I wasn’t going to let a little bit of distance ruin my day.

And I didn’t.

But there were times when I needed to just walk away for second… so I did.

The worst was the “Where’s Andy?’.

Constantly reminding people ‘he’s not here’ and ‘you’ll see him at Christmas’.

Today was a low day for me.

This is the longest we have ever spent apart, and my heart keeps telling me its hurting, but I just keep assuring it to wait a little while.

He’s coming.

I’ve been okay for a while now… with the whole distance thing.

I started off really bad…. crying every day, waking up the middle of night, fighting with him, questioning why he left.

But I got better, and I cried less and less.

Life started getting busier, days started getting a little happier.

But every day that he spends without me, and every memory he creates without me.. eats away at me.

I think that’s the hardest about long distance.

Whether you like it or not… your significant other is creating a life with out you somewhere…

Making memories, making friends, telling stories, creating stories… nothing involving you.

Sure I called him that day, or maybe we face-timed for a minute.

But I’m not a part of his life.

A few weeks ago, Andy decided to get a few more tattoos.

He didn’t want to tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise, but when he told me… I don’t think he got the reaction he was looking for.

I balled.

I balled my face off.

I was so upset.

I was so heart broken.

And he was so confused.

I told him that when he makes big decisions like that in his life, I want to know.

I want to be a part of it all, and pretend like I’m still there.

But when he told me what he did…

I tried to picture him in my head.. what he looked like.

And I couldn’t, because I didn’t know.

I didn’t know what he looked like.

I no longer knew every detail of his body, and I could no longer picture every accurate feature.

Because he was different now.

If you asked me what he looked like right now I couldn’t tell you.

How thick his beard is, how long his hair is.

If he’s smiling today, or if he’s a little moody.

I couldn’t tell you if he’s having a good night sleep, or if he’s drifting in out of nightmares.

I couldn’t tell you if he’s eating well, or if he’s forgetting important meals.

Or how dark his tan lines are.

I couldn’t tell you if he’s still clicking his jaw when he has a headache, or if he still laughs when he gets nervous.

I couldn’t tell you if he smells like his deodorant, or his cologne today.. or both.

I couldn’t tell you what he wore today…

Because I don’t know.

And that’s the hardest part.

But for now, I”ll hold on to what I do know… because I think when your in a relationship that is a little geographically challenged.. you have to hold on to what you know.. and find peace in that.

I know he smiled today, and I know he laughed today… because it’s Andy and he does it every day.

I know he looks amazing, just like he does every day, and I know it took him zero effort to get that way.

I know he did well in school today, because Andy does well in all things.

I know made someone laugh today, and I know someone fell in love with him, because who wouldn’t.

I know he looked like an angel while he slept last night.

And I know that at some point today.. he thought of me.

And I’ll hold on to that for now.

Because it’s all I have.

For now.